Facing the Fear of Failure

For months, I’ve been struggling with a villain in the novel I’m writing. Some days when I write, inspiration hits me like a freight train. Other days, it’s grueling work for every syllable.

I’ve been waiting for inspiration to give me the answers about this villain…but it hasn’t.

Now I can go no further until I know the villain’s backstory, plans, desires, fears, and how he falls.

Last night, I wrote a list of questions about him. I’ve done this a number of times and not gotten far. The Lord nudged me to start answering the questions, rather than just listing them out.

“Just write it,” he said.

I was terrified.

Because here’s the scary thing: I could write literally anything.

The question is, would I be able to wrap the plot around it? A difference in one character can affect a dozen others. Every decision affects the next affects the next. It’s like walking through a maze of dominoes.

I tried to dodge the problem and work on a different part of the story, but I had no peace there. When the Lord puts his finger on something, it’s like the flashing red light on the dashboard telling you to get buckled. It’s persistent.

I tried pacing my room, walking around the house, getting a snack, pulling on my hair, yelling, “I don’t know what to do!”, and banging my head on my desk…and still, I knew:

It was time.

Finally I was like, okay, okay, I’ll just write it, kind of laughing at myself and kind of terrified. I sat down again, looking again at the first dreaded question:

What does the villain need?

Why am I so scared? I wondered. I sat back, trying to look at myself as though I was someone else.

I realized this was my fear: If I write the wrong thing, it will mess up the plot, and then my book will be full of plot holes, and people will think it is bad.
When I put the fear into words, it didn’t seem as intimidating.

I felt the Lord say, with nearly a laugh in his voice: “You know I can make it work.”

I laughed and realized: he orchestrated the stars—I think he can orchestrate a storyline. Even if I put in the “wrong” thing. He’s very good at rerouting circumstances and giving second chances in real life. He can surely do the same in my fictional story.

So, what did the villain need? I swallowed and wrote the first thing that came to mind: supplies.

That sounded pretty flat by itself.

But technically it worked. I started hitting the other questions, writing the first answer that could fill the gap. Implications and relationships started tying themselves together. For the first time, I felt bad for the villain and understood where he was coming from, even though he is, still, a villain.

I ended up working on at least seventeen major questions about him. Where he works, what he needs, how he gets it, how it drives Jason to make a major decision, etc. It’s like building a puzzle, one piece at a time. It’s hard work for every inch (isn’t thinking such hard work??), but it’s COMING TOGETHER.

I just had to take the risk and make one choice.

It wasn’t until later that night I realized it had been fear of failure affecting me. Not just related to the story, but in many areas of my life, especially where I know people are watching me.

That surprised me. It’s not like I’m thinking all the time, “Oh no, I’m so scared I’m going to fail!”

It’s usually more like…

“If I say the wrong thing, what will they do?”

“I could write this or that, but what if nobody likes it?”

“If I get to work late, will my boss think I’m a bad employee?”

And most times when I need to make a decision, I’m paralyzed by fear of making the wrong choice.

Sitting in bed, I wrote down everything I’d struggled with that day. I came to this conclusion:

Yes, we might fail. We might fail terribly.

But failure is not to be feared.

It all comes down to this: who are we trying to please?

I’m often guilty of trying to please people: friends, family, subscribers, leaders, coworkers, etc. But it’s impossible to please everyone all the time. Even if we do please people, that still doesn’t mean we’re doing the right thing. It just means we pleased them.

But here’s some great news, which I find so freeing.

It’s not our job to please people. It’s our job to please God.

I wrote down these verses, and my hope got brighter and brighter with each one:

“Go…for God has already approved what you do [accepts your works].” Ecclesiastes 9:7.

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with your might…” Ecclesiastes 9:10.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, and do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you WHEREVER you go.” (Even if you go the wrong way.) Joshua 1:9.

And something I tell myself all the time: “Go for it and don’t apologize.”

I imagined, what if I was free to work on anything? Not what’s most expedient or efficient or pressing. And then I remembered—oh wait, I am free!

This week someone told me, “Ask yourself: what is the worst that could happen? Make peace with it.”

So ask yourself, whatever one thing is you’re most anxious about: What does failing look like?

Make peace with the failure.

Because you and I are probably going to fail a bunch of times before we do it right. Nearly all success is built on the back of failures.

We have to try things and say, “yep, that didn’t work…let’s try this next.”

Fear is always going to try to keep our mouths shut. When fear is gone, then we are free to speak. Or write. Or act. Or do anything worth doing.

But what if we drift from the path? Don’t worry. He will let us know. “Your ears will hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” whenever you turn to the right or to the left.” Isaiah 30:21.

Whether or not we’ll listen is another matter…but we never have to fear accidentally doing something wrong.

So, if our hearts are soft to whatever God might say, we are free to GO FOR IT.

That hit me.

We haven’t failed if we get it wrong. We have failed if we quit trying to get it right.

We are free to try.

We are free to fail.

And we are free to gain roaring success.

As Theodore Roosevelt said:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles…

“The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds…

“who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

So let’s get out there and go for it. The sooner we fail, the sooner we can get back up and do better.

Let’s not be cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

Let’s go for it and not apologize.

Does anyone relate to this? Is there anything you’ve needed to do, but have been afraid to try? Hope this helps somebody!